So, once upon a time not very long ago, there was a little
girl who did not have a name. Every one called her little girl, or young one or
little one, and this, naturally, did not please her. Not one bit. ‘Mama, what
is my name?’ she would ask her mama, and mama would be unable to answer,
because even she did not know what had happened to her name. So she would ask
her papa, and even he would be unable to answer, because he also did not know
what had happened to her name. Perhaps they had written it down on a piece of
paper and the wind had taken it away, they said to the little girl. Or that
afternoon they went to the beach, perhaps they wrote her name on the sand, and
the sea took it away. Or maybe the rain, or the sun. They simply did not know.
Naturally they were very sorry, but they did not know what to do about it.
Nobody did.
Since the grown-ups could not decide what to do about her
missing name, and the little girl did not think she would enjoy being called
lill’un for the rest of her life, she decided that she would just go and find
her name. And so, she asked her mama to give her a six slices of cake (as she
intended to return on seventh day), a bottleful of water, cape and good, sturdy
sandals. And off she went to find her name.
First she went to an open field and stood there and asked
the wind if he had taken his name. She told the wind that it was fine even if
he had taken it; he could return it now because she really needed it, that she
was growing up, and if the wind returned her name, he could have some of her
mama’s delicious apple cake. The wind told her that much as he would
like to eat the cake (his mouth was watering), he had not taken her name, and
so could not return it. The little girl was disappointed, but saw that the wind
was very much eager to eat the cake (his mouth was watering), and so gave the
wind a slice of the cake anyway. The wind was very grateful, and told her he
would not forget her kindness.
Then the little girl went to the sea next, and made the same
promise, but the sea had not taken her name and so could not return it. And the
sea also wanted a slice of her cake and even his mouth was watering (haha), and
so she let him have a slice of the cake. And the same story was repeated with
the rain and the sun. The little girl was very disappointed as she had finished
her list of probable people who might have taken her name, and did not know
where to go from there. But she was a brave little girl, and so she decided
that she would not give up. So, she sat down on a rock (she had met the sun on
a hill so that he would not have to come down too low to talk to her- she was a
thoughtful little girl), and opened her satchel and took out a slice of cake to
eat.
And just as she was getting ready to take a bit, with a
flash and the billowing of smoke and a big bang sound, a strange person
appeared before her. He was very tall, almost seven, or maybe even eight feet
tall, thin as a scarecrow, and dressed in clothes all very shiny and
sparklingly splendid. He had a long face and a short pointy beard and round,
crumpled hat, and he spoke, his head was so high above her, it seemed to the
little girl that it was actually the hat which was speaking.
‘Can I have a slice of cake too? Please, I have not had
apple cake in years, and I love it so!’ he said.
‘Who are you?’ The little girl asked.
‘I am magic. Even though, I was not always magic, instead, at one time, I
was a human being. Then, I was called the magician.’
‘Then why are you only magic now, and not a magician?’
You see, the little girl was wise too, she understood even
then that being a human being was more important than being pure magic.
‘I was scared of cats.’ The magician replied.
‘Cats!’ The little girl laughed a little. ‘What is there to
be scared about cats! Cats are adorable! I love cats, in fact.’
‘I know, I know. I know now, but fact is, I was afraid of
cats, and did something horrible to one of them. A long time ago, I was conducting a magic
show, and a little girl’s kitten came on the stage, and I got so scared I
turned her into a parrot. The little girl was very angry, and told me that
since it was my magic which enabled me to turn her cat into a parrot, she did
not want magic anymore. I was very sorry, but I did not want magic to die also
(you see, little girls’ wishes have a lot of power), and so, I volunteered to
turn myself into magic, and was exiled from the world of people. Which is why
there is no magic in the world today, and which is why I have not eaten apple
cake for years.’
As he said these last words, the magician almost cried. The
little girl had never seen a grown up cry but somehow understood that it might
be embarrassing or wrong or not-doable thing for them, and so, to prevent the
magician from crying, she offered him her slice of cake and bottle of water. The
magician sat on a nearby rock, and wolfed it down. And as he was wiping the
crumbs off his lips, the little girl saw that he was slowly shrinking in size,
till he finally turned into a normal sized human being (with slightly less
splendid sparkly clothes and a slightly less pointy beard), but definitely
human.
‘Thank you, dear girl,’ he said, ‘you have lifted the curse
from me. For it was also said that when a little girl willingly accepted me to
her company, and did me a good turn, I would finally be able to become human
again. And so, now I am the magician again, and magic is free in the world.’
The little girl was very happy for him, and bade him well.
But the magician would have nothing of it. She had given him cake and made him
human again (yes! Cake has great powers!), and now he wanted to her a good
turn. So, she asked him, if he knew where her name could be found.
‘Alas, that is something I do not know. I know it is not the
wind or the sea or the rain or the sun, but that is something you know too.’ He
shook his head sadly and grew quiet for a moment, and then smiled a bright
smile and said, ‘but I do suspect my cat might know something about it.’
Saying so, he took out of his coat’s pocket the most
gloriously green-plumed, red-beaked parrot the girl had ever seen. The parrot
was so beautiful that the girl insisted that before answering any of her
questions, he eat the last slice of bread she had, and drink some water, and
then speak to her. The parrot, who like the magician, had not had apple cake
for years (and who was really the cat the magician had turned into a parrot
long ago, and cats love apple cake), gratefully ate the cake and drank the
water, and turned into a soft, cuddly kitten.
‘Why yes, I do know where you might find your name,’ the
kitten said, curling lazily on the warm rock, ‘300 miles from here, out in the
sea, there is an island. On the island is a castle, and the castle is guarded
by a moat which is full of crocodiles, and inside the castle lives and old
dragon. This dragon has the ability to turn into a pigeon, and it is he who
stole your name. You will have to kill him to get your name back.’
The little girl was overjoyed. She finally knew where to
find her name. But she did not know how to get there: and the cat said she was
unable to help with that. Not could the magician help (it was her quest, he
said, and she would have to complete it alone), and with apologetic smiles,
both of them disappeared.
Now, as I have told you, the young girl was a very brave
one. But she was also a very smart girl. She did not lose hope. Instead, she
called the wind, and told him his problem. The wind said he could not help her
get to the island or kill the dragon, but he was sure the rain could help her
in reaching the island, and sun and the sea could help her in killing the
dragon. So, he told the little girl to find a tree trunk, and once she had
found one, told her to cling to it tightly. Once the little girl had done that,
the wind blew itself into a furious storm and lifted the tree trunk in its hand
and flew and flew higher and higher till the sun, noticing this commotion, came
down to see what was going on. And so, the little girl told the sun her
problem. And the sun told the wind to get the little girl to the sea shore, and
told the wind that his role in this story was not yet over.
So the wind set the little girl down at the sea shore, and
the sea came up and listened to the little girl’s story. The sea said that he
would help out with the crocodile problem (he had liked the apple cake very
much, thank you), but he could not help the little girl get to the island as
she would become all wet and catch a cold if he transported her, and he could
not allow that to happen. Hearing this, the sun, who was listening in, got very
very angry, and blazed down hard at the sea. Naturally, the water of the sea
became vapors and turned into a cloud, and it started raining. And the rain
(who had also liked the cake very much, thank you), was more than ready to
help. So, rain sent down a small, pony shaped cloud to the girl, and girl sat
on the cloud, and the wind lifted the cloud high up and helped them cross the
sea till they reached the island. Then they set her down, in front of the gates
of the castle of the dragon.
The problem, was the little girl could not get in. There was
a moat all around the castle, and in the moat, there were crocodiles. So, as
the sea had told her to do, the little girl got up on a hill, and called out to
the sea to help her. And the sea came in, and flooded the moat and the castle
and everything on the island that was lower than the hill the little girl was
standing on. The crocodiles were washed away in the sea.
But at this, the dragon, who was sleeping, and did not like
being awoken from his sleep (and specially not with cold water), woke up and
got very very angry. He flapped his wings and flew over his castle and roared
and roared at the sea, calling it names for having wet him without any reason.
The sea told the dragon that the little girl had given him cake, and so it was
his duty to help her, so maybe the dragon should go talk to the little girl.
And then the dragon saw the little girl, sitting on an old tree trunk atop the
hill, watching him flying angrily around. So he turned into a pigeon again, and
went and perched on a rock in front of the little girl.
‘Little girl, what do you want? Why do you throw cold water
on me this early in the morning? If your mama awoke you like that, would you
like it?’
‘Please sir, Mr. Dragon sir, I would just like to have my name
back.’ The little girl said, ‘this was why I had to wake you up, sir.’
‘But I cannot give you your name back, little girl,’ the
dragon said, ‘because your name is a treasure, and we dragons hoard treasure
and never let it go. And your name is a particularly shiny treasure. In fact I
quite like it, and have kept it in my heart. So, go back, little one. I am not
giving your name back to you.’
‘How mean of you!’ the little girl exclaimed! ‘You would let
me pass my entire life being called little girl or little one just because you
like my name!’
‘Yes, because I like your name very very much,’ said the
dragon.
At this the little girl got very angry. She stood up from
the log and told the dragon, ‘Why, Mr. Dragon, that is not nice of you at all,
and I am very angry at you.’
At this, the dragon laughed and said, ‘Why you are such a
little girl, and I am such a big dragon.’ And turned again from pigeon shape to
dragon shape. ‘What can a little girl like you do to me, then?’
The little girl was very angry and said, ‘Why, I will…I
will…I will pinch your nose, I am so angry!’
At this, the dragon got very angry, because dragons love
their noses very much and the thought of having it pinched by such a little
girl angered and scared the dragon. He stood tall to his full height, and
prepared to breathe fire at the girl. But the wind, who had been warned by the
sun to be ready, started blowing again, and the little girl smartly held on to
the log and the wind lifted them in the air. The dragon, very angry, gave them
chase and up and up and up and up they went. And they went up till they came
close to the sun.
And the sun (who had also liked the cake very much, thank
you) was very angry at the dragon blazed very fast and very hard at the dragon
and burnt him black as coal, while the wind smartly took the little girl away
from the sun and set her down back at the dragon’s island, on the little hill.
The dragon, burnt as hard and black as coal fell through the air and fell
through the air and fell through the air, until he reached the hill, too. And
he fell very hard. In fact, he fell so hard that he broke on contact with the
hill and little black coal like pieces of him scattered on the hill. But one
golden, shiny like fire piece remained and the little girl went to it, and
picked it in her hand. And it burned like fire to look at, but was very cool to
touch, for it was the dragon’s cold heart. And on this heart was written the
little girl’s name.
And that was how the little one found her name.
So I really liked this - for a first effort, it's pretty good. I do think it needs more editing. There are small issues of grammar & such.
ReplyDeletePartly, the confusion arises from the genre. Children's lit is hellishly hard imo. You're doing that thing most noobs of the genre do - writing prose but keeping the cadence of verse. I don't know if this was deliberate (you thought that served the material) or if it was instinctive (you were writing children's lit and so your brain turned to a cadence it found appropriate). So you need to resolve that issue if it was instinctive.
If it was deliberate & you're going for prose poetry, then take a look at your visual structure because the way you place the words on the page can have a huge impact in that case.
Personally, I think there is a great and thoroughly disturbing adult fantasy short in here about coming of age and the price others pay for it. The implications of that ending were so tragic and creepy, it followed me all evening after I read it. You could keep a little girl voice, ratchet it up to adult vision, and keep the story as is.
Anyhoo! Good show! :) I critique because I like!
tl&dr - good effort; needs more editing, refining.
Thank you. The cadence came probably because what I tried to imagine was someone actually reading the story to a young child. That said, yes, it is a n00b mistake, and I think it all started from Jungle Book and Other Stories (remember the best beloved?).
DeleteI agree that this is more of an adult story which I tried to bring down to a little girl level, and was worried that it might be too dark for small children, but hopefully, they read having fun, without bothering too much about the tragic characters. Maybe, someday, I could write it as a story for adults. :D
It was not edited at all (first draft, written in the time it took me type it down, once I had the idea), so definitely a lot rough around the edges.
Thanks for the detailed critique. :D
... beware of little girls ... :)
ReplyDeleteThis really good! I just wanted to know the little girls name! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteThe girl getting to know her name is the whole point. Us knowing it would take something out of the story, no? I think names are not special, it is the idea that they define our identity is special.
Nice - loved it. Only suggestion is to use the quotational style for the girl's convos with the wind and the sea and the rain and the sun as well. I don't know if your idea was to make them background characters (unlike the magician and the dragon), but I would have liked them to have personalities as well. Somehow, I was expecting the sea to be female and temperamental. :)
ReplyDelete