Confessions of a coward

I am writing this finally because I read one more tweet about that Delhi gangrape case today (*and probably couldn't control my emotions...call it anger, call it resignation). I woke up in the morning and made the mistake of looking up my twitter feed and that news was up there, staring at me, tweeted by some media outlet.

I do not read the newspaper anymore. I do not have the courage to. I cannot bear most of the news that comes to us, these days.

I do not have the courage to read the newspapers because most of what I read before I stopped reading them told me that I was living in a country, in a world, even, that has far, far too many wrongs to be corrected. It was not a loss of faith. It was much worse. It was a loss of hope.

And even then, I get news. Through my twitter feed. On my email. Via messages. Conversations. A casual ‘what the fuck is going on in Haryana’ from a friend. I try to blot this all out. Because I know I cannot change that. I will not be able to. I will most probably not be able to try to.

Next time I am walking with a lady friend of mine, and I meet five, or even three or two, goons who attempt to whistle, cajole or otherwise ‘eve-tease’ her, my response will probably be to wrap my arms around her and walk faster, maybe dial 100 in the hope that the arriving protection will hurt us less than the oppressors. I do not know what I will do if matters become physical, if someone attempts to touch that friend of mine. I like to think that I will have the courage to man up, and that things will end up not too bad. But that is a kind of courage that is as yet untested.

And then, there is the other kind of courage. What will happen when I see that happening to someone I do not know? I would like to think that I would stand up for them as staunchly, and with as much conviction as I would for someone I would care about. But I am your normal, middle class man. I do not know if my courage will hold then. I do not know if I will have the guts to balance I everything I have in life at that moment, and have the guts to choose the right way ahead. I hope I will, but maybe I will not. It is a scary thought.

There is only one thing which I can be sure I can, and will do. Sometime in my future, I will have a kid. He or she will learn from me to respect others. To value the distance that needs to maintained, the respect that needs to be given, the dignity that needs to be accorded. The only thing I can ensure is that I will pass on to my next generation a courage which I will only know I possess when I have proven myself.

Till such time, I will just pray I have such courage in me.

*added later