A nose out of joint

‘Ahhh’

With a sigh of satisfaction, I drained the last drop off my glass of excellent scotch, and waved to the steward for the check.

‘You take it, JD’, said RN.

I made a gesture of exaggerated surprise. This was the first time RN had not offered to take a check. Something must be terribly off.

‘What’s wrong, RN? The nose-hair-trimmer business is running down?’

‘Very droll, JD. But seriously, yes, considering I might be shutting up shop soon, you might want to take that check.’

That called for another drink. I did the needful.

Now just for background, RN is the scion of one the foremost of India’s business families in that his business caters to a unique need. Story goes, his father was one who loved to play with words, and one day, as he lowered his not inconsiderable bulk into a barber’s chair and asked to have his hair trimmed, his mind went off on a tangent with the word ‘trim’ and somehow, it arrived on the phrase ‘trim your nosehair, on the run’. The rest, as they say, is history, and today RN (nickname, which obvious acronym, of course, came from years spent with us in school, and sticks to this day, like, you know what), inherited a fortune in snot. 

‘Go on.’

‘It’s all over the papers.’

‘I am sorry; I am rather behind the news.’

‘Ahh well, the double murder in Mumbai.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Well…the murder weapon was one of my company’s nose-hair trimmers. And now people are calling for a ban on my ‘On-the-run’ nose hair trimmers.’

‘But that is stupid. People get their heads shoved in by bricks. No one demands we stop living in houses and start living in thatch huts.’

‘It is not that simple. It seems there is a culture based debate going on.’

‘Culture?’

‘Sort of. About the kind of people who trim their nose-hair. A big political party leader has claimed that if people did not trim nose hair, there would be no nose hair trimmers, and hence those murders would not have happened. And, it seems, we lost our culture when we began trimming our nose hair.’

‘Ha! So, it is less about culture, than agriculture. I like it…the agronomy of snot. Could make a fine play one day.’

‘The hell’

‘Ok, seriously. Ignore the guy. The media will find a new topic of outrage in a few days, and life will go on as normal.’

‘Oh, if only it were only as simple. Another political party took offense at his words. And *their* leader made another speech decrying nose hair, citing them as a sign of barbarism and uncouthness. It seems they conducted a survey on convicted felons, and found that most were not nose-hair trimmer users. And based on that, they are claiming that nose-hair trimming is what separates the civilized from the uncivilized. And they are exhorting me vigorously promote my product, for civilization.’

‘But that is wonderful news! Think of all the publicity you are getting!’

‘It would be. Except that the goons of the first party attacked one of my offices yesterday. Few employees were lucky enough to get away without hurt.’

‘Well…that is sad.’

And we buried our heads into our fresh drinks, trying to find a solution to RN’s problem. But if was unfindable…almost as if the bottom of the glass were an abyss we were bound to spend our lives trying to find the bottom of, while wearing lifejackets- there seemed to be only two choices- either drop the lifejacket and plummet to the bottom, or to float upwards. I made my choice.

‘RN, I think I have a solution.’

‘Yes?’

‘First thing you do tomorrow, arrange to provide hefty donations to both parties campaign funds. Just get them to keep this in the news for as long as possible. Cut all your advertising budgets. Send your staff on leave for a fortnight. Double the security on all your installations. I think that should crack it.’

RN blinked in confusion, and then, slowly, smiled.

‘Yes, JD, I do think that should crack it.’ He waved the steward over, ‘Why, I think I shall be taking the check, after all.’